Some thoughts

Today was Sunday. We went to church. We have church from 1-4 and I really like it. It gives me more time. I am not a morning person. Especially when it comes to the weekends. It is really hard for me to pull myself out of bed early on a Sunday morning. I find that I am grumpy, scrambling around franticly to get myself ready, the children fed and ready, and all the other things that come with being a mother. I hate rushing. I also find that once I get to church I am not in a very "spiritual" mood which dampers the whole experience. Now it is really nice to just take my time and I do come to church more relaxed and calm.
Tim and I like are new ward. It is very down to earth and everyone has been very friendly and excepting to us. We have been hear a month now and the kids have all ready made lots of friends and have been invited to lots of social events. That is important to me that they make friends and feel comfortable in ward. I just got sustained to be on the personal home and enrichment commitee and I coulnd't be more elated. I ALWAYS GET CALLED TO BE IN PRIMARY and while I have loved every second of it,it is nice that I get to do something new and with the Relief Society sisters.
We had a very good gospel doctrine lesson on "Being a modern day Korihor (?)" which led into some great discussions.
For those of you who don't know, I have been struggling lately with my testimony. Most of my friends and family have known this and have been very supportive of me and we have talked many times about some of the things that I have been dealing with. I guess I have just become more skeptical and more questioning. What it boils down to is that I love some of the teachings of the church and others I don't. I used to love to go to the general relief society meetings every year and hear the relief society presidency talk, but after the last October general conference address, I just lost interest. What was said crushed me in so many ways and I begin to question my ties to this organization. Anyway, I have started to find my way back in some respects, not all, but most and I am starting to overcome. I would like to get back to the temple soon, I miss it. My strongest periods of growth and understanding came when I was regulary attending the temple. My problem isn't really with the chruch as a whole, but more with certain individuals who are members of the church, and until I can get over it, I feel the last place that I need to be is the temple. It is not that I am angry, just disappointed. Ashamed at the way people behave and the attitudes that are so common. Nobody has ever attacked me personaly (to my face) but I see it and hear it a lot and I am bothered by it. Case and point, nine years ago walking into a relief society room would send me into a near panic attack. Not that anyone was ever mean or cruel to me, its just that I was not the perfect LDS woman. I knew that. People were kind, but nobody went out of their way to be my friend. I was the girl that the mothers of the young women said "you don't want to end up like sister Donaldson." Fair is fair. I can understand the reservation, but today things are different. Now, all anybody wants to know is " what my husband does for a living, and if I give them the right answere, the one that warrants respect, I am in the in crowd. People want to be my friend. They want to get the kids together for play dates, they want to have the kids over for sleepovers and birthday parties. Tim will get a good "leadership" calling and all of a sudden, things will perfect in my LDS world. However, what of the girl who sits in the back row. You know the one. The one who doesn't have the cutest dress on. The one who's haircut is a little out to date and is so young, and sooo pregnant, but just newly wed? What of her? What is her life like in relief society? Who is her friend? Are people inviting her out for play dates and social activities? I cringe. Because I have seen this far to often in my nine years of being a member. Ward after ward, place after place. It has affected me for good and bad, and my ultimate question has become "are we turning into modern day Korihors." Are we being the ultimate Anti-Chirst in our behaviors to those who don't fit our mold of "perfection?" We aren't being christ like, that is for sure. It is a problem that has become rampent and I have heard such ugly, snide, things in my meetings, that I had to step back and think about what I was doing.
Anyway, things are better now. I have realized that I can extend a hand of friendship to all and I will. No longer will I be afraid to sit down next to the sister that everyone shuns for being imperfect, because I am imperfect too. And that is what it is about.